I never seem to have enough, I know this blog has been languishing from lack of attention and I am sorry. I realized though, part of my problem is never being sure the level of seriousness I want to maintain here, do I only want to write about those things that bother me and keep me awake at night. The recession, war, gas prices, cost of living, the presidential race, fat acceptance, grades, money, the hostile work environment I am suffering through, all of them drag themselves through my mind at night tormenting me and keeping truly deep restful sleep at bay.


Or do I want to talk about the light and fluffy good things that have been happening in my life recently?
Like getting accepted as a tutor at the writing center on campus this fall. Which I will admit does cause me some sleepless night but that is a two fold reason, one I have performance anxiety, can I truly tutor? Then there is the fact that one of the stipulations is to have my fellow tutors critique my writings for class. EEK!! I can barely handle the fact that the professor reads my work let alone fellow students. ( and yes I realize the dichotomy I present bitching about professors or students reading my writing on a blog that whole intertubes can see… never said I was completely logical m’kay?)

The return of the New Doctor Who with Catherine Tate as the companion- LOVE IT!! Which I know for those out there with the Rose wish and the Martha Jones jones (hehe) Donna Noble may be not their cuppa tea, but I like her!

My friend Ms. TurtleRex is finishing up a fatty piece of art for me that is going to be one of my next two tattoos. The other is being drawn by my good friend Ian. Hers is a Pentacle and all the elements with so much detail its flipping stunning.
His is a take on the Triple Goddess/ 3 Fates with a comic book feel to them. Both of them are amazing artists and I am gonna be so proud to be featuring their work in ink on my bod, hopefully soon.

I don’t really know which yet- so it may just be more posts like this one till the end of the semester. Which is alright I guess. I do have some things percolating in the back of my mind, which may be future posts and may not.

Until then though Intertubes here are some interesting things I have found in my time surfing the web when I should be writing or doing homework or some such thing.


The first is Elizabeth Mitchell and Lisa Loeb – Catch the Moon
I love this song

Then I was turned on to this next band by someone on my Twitter list. The band is Gotan Project and the song is called Santa Maria (Del Buen Ayre). Oh Goddess I want to learn the Tango now, so smoky hot, and sexy!

alright this post could get out of hand and two vid’s are my limit. I must return to the books and I return you to the ‘tubes.

That is all

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When you have so much to write about, you cant fucking figure out where to start? Not to mention not having the time. I swear it was the first of the year just yesterday, I realize working nights really does throw my time schedule off but I can’t believe its almost April. I feel spring coming on, but I doubt it will pull me completely out of my hermit state. That will take full on summer and more time free to myself. Its hard to do the job full time and work full time. I see nobody, and I mean that. The people I do see it is so briefly, all I do is school, sleep and work. What a fucking life. I hope these demanding writing demons swimming around in the primordial soup of my brain decide to birth themselves soon. Or chill the hell out and wait till summer. They are really making me crazy


That is all…

ok well except for this

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Overwhelmed with the amount of essays I must write this semester. I think perhaps I have put too much on the plate marked school, I see it taking time and everything else off the plate marked me time and its not even sharing with the plate marked work and chores and shopping.

So in essence that elusive figure Time?

Yeh I have none!

I am so busy the only free time I have right now is when I sleep. Hows that for no fun??

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so in his never ending attempt to making blogging as quick and easy as I demand. The Dragon has found me a nifty little program/add-on/ extension type thingy for Firefox, called Scribefire. It so far seems to be cool. This is my test post.
To give it purpose and so I don’t go back later to delete; I now live on Hoth the ice planet. It is 27 outside and there is close to an inch of ice on everything. For those who remember such things, last year we had another ice storm. That one did all the big bad damage to trees and the like. So this time around not as many people are without power. I think its at roughly 3000. I took pictures now I just need to find the time to post them to my flickr account.

Powered by ScribeFire.

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I have been looking for messages from Mother.
Seeking her voice out in the most unlikely of places.
She has been waiting for me, as she always does.
Wrapped up against cold winds in cloak, but barefoot among the leaves and snow.

I have found the messages Mother has left for me.
They are all around me, etched in stone and in the bone.
She whispers to me with the cold winter wind, warm lips against my skin.
quiet words of cold and long darkness before the light springs forth again.

L.S.
1-1-08

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Wow I came home from work this morning and there it all was. It was like magic. Well actually it was the fact my hosting company moved us to a brand spanking new server…. mmmm virginal server smell….and then restored everything that had gone tits up. Which made me very very happy.
Sacrificing that hard drive to the Goddess of the Internet; probably didn’t hurt either.

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Random stranger to me – “What are you doing with your life?”

Me – “Being”

Random stranger – “Being What?”

Me – “Just Being”

Random Stranger - “I don’t get it.”

Me – “Thats the problem.”

I have been mulling over this post at Kate Hardings the Shapely Prose , for the last couple of days. Its a nicely summed up article about the drive to be compete and those of us who don’t feel it. She came used the term of Ferdinand,-as in the bull- which I think perfectly suits this particular mind set or way of being. I personally have never felt the need to compete, I never understood its importance.For me its more about living life and enjoying it. Taking everyday as it comes and then in reflection learning lessons. So many of my friends are eaten up with the race to be best- he who dies with the most toys wins. I consider the race to still be standing and smiling at the end of the day a hella ton more important.

Which makes me think of my second favorite comment from my family.

My first favorite is of course that old weight loss chestnut
“Oh obese daughter-your so smart, and would be so pretty if you would just lose some weight. I mean you have great skin, and gorgeous hair. If you just lost 10, 20, 30 and on and on and on pounds.”
I always wanna ask, “so until I lose the weight I am just the smart one and the little sister gets all the pretty? WOW thanks for that shot of self confidence in the arm.”
But I digress, my second favorite comment from my family is as follows ” you are so smart, you are just not living up to your potential. You are afraid of success. “

HMMMMM no actually I am afraid of clowns, people wearing masks, ventriloquists dummies, magicians, spiders and our current president. But my success nope doesn’t scare me a bit.

What I have realized they see as fear, I realize as boredom- which isn’t really the word I want to use either, but I can’t think of the proper one. I don’t want to achieve the same things they do. That is not my desire in this life. Let me repeat that, that is not MY Desire in this life. Note the use of the word my, indicating me, otherwise known as myself and sometimes I. Its my life, my success is determined by me. Not by my address, my bank account, my car make and/or model, my vacation choices, my lifestyle choices, hell not even my waistline or lack thereof. My success is determined by whether or not at the end of my life I lay on my death bed and I can look at my life as a memory without pain. HAH you say, no one can do that. Everyone has felt pain, or sorrow. I agree everyone has, but how many of you have learned from that feeling. Or better yet how many of you might be the ones laying there regretting things left undone, or not said. That is a life with pain. To realize at the end, you allowed so many other things to obstruct your path, you never succeeded at what you wanted to do. Joseph Campbell put it best when he said we must ” follow our bliss.”

I want to know myself better. I want to love this skin I am in. Every voluptuous curve of it. Its all I’ve got for right now, I should cherish it. Which I will, but not by starving it, and forcing it to try and succeed at goals it was never meant to be attain. I want to learn about my self and the world around me. Rather then fill my life with material things I am pursuing a more intangible goal. I always said I wanted to be a professional student, I think going after a degree in Anthropology is a perfect way to achieve that goal. Spend my time learning about man and why we do things the way we do. Maybe eventually I can study not just Gender roles but the associated issues that come with body type and size.But for now and through all of it, my first and original goal is to Just Be and Just Be in Bliss.

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So far its been ” Fantastic” as the Doctor would say. My English lit Professor, teaching the class on Herman Mellville’s Moby Dick; has a voice that could almost move me to maybe give christianity another think. Blessed Goddess, I am thankful he is an English lit professor and not a preacher man here to save my heathen soul. He admitted the first day that he has a passion for this book, and it shows in the two lectures we have already had. Its been really fascinating, While I love so many of the classics, I always escaped from Moby Dick, so reading it now is wonderful.

Then there is the lit class covering Sci Fi/ Fantasy, I can already tell this is a professor I will need to take for other classes. She is very off the cuff and electric. She has such a vast knowledge of the genre. I have already a new list of authors to add to my own. The professor in my Philosophy class is quite the intense man, he stated in class that at the end of studying each religion we will believe that is the one he follows. He then stated he will not ever tell us which religion he believes in, also he stated that there will be mudslinging when certain faiths are discussed. As he put it, Bin Laden has more then a few counterparts in Christianity.

My Anthropology professor I have had before, she introduced me to one of my favorite Authors, Daniel Quinn, when she loaned me Ishmael last semester. She is so wonderful, and passionate about her subject, and in teaching it to others. I really enjoy listening to her lecture and in talking with her, I have found she and I share more then a few not so commonly held beliefs. She is someone I can learn from and not just in the academic areas; I say this not because she is a teacher, but because she is a plus size woman who actively pursues her passions. She may be a woman of size, but she is also a damn fine professor, an anthropologist; ok she is actually a marine or maritime archaeologist. She works primarily in the middle east. Diving in the Indian Ocean and the Persian Sea. Of course that is just the beginning of who she is.

Walking out of class on Thursday a couple of the guys behind me were talking about how she was so big but so cool . It pissed me off but also in a way made me smile. They were young guys fresh outta high school from one of the smaller towns around here. They probably are having all manner of preconceived notions destroyed. So I know the fact that

” OHMYGOD!! She is the Fat!!But she is cool and she is out doing cool stuff and living her life.”

I mean really, cant become a maritime archaeologist while sitting on the couch eating the donuts now can you ??

I could tell listening to them talk it was messing with their heads a bit, I hope though its just the beginning and they realize that those once held biases won’t hold up as the move into the wider world.

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I’m attempting to use Jott to do a verbal blog post. See if it works. listen

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I am finally fully coming out of a self imposed quasi silent period

*Title a nod to The wonderful Joy Nash

Shapely Prose a Fat acceptance blog that I read had a great article about Self esteem and the fat chick.

Wow did this article set off all sorts of bells for me. The more I thought about it in the days since I read it, I came to realize some really needed things about how I view myself and my place in this world. For a while I have wanted to deny where parts of my anger come from but I don’t really think I can do that anymore. I have to own up to how much this has colored my life and kept me from where I want to go and want to be. I can no longer allow myself to react to the vilification’s thrown at me so long ago.
No more can I feel second class, just because I am fat. I am worthy of much more then that.

I am fat. I am not moderately overweight, or moderately obese. I am in the classification of Morbidly obese. I have been overweight my whole life, I was chubby as a kid, baby fat my mom would call it. Then came big boned, now its just fat. No nice way to say it, sure can’t hide it or camouflage it. It was said I would grow out of it. I never did, and I don’t think my family, my mom especially ever forgave me for that. That fucking pisses me off, I have tried everything short of wiring my jaw shut, and nothing has worked. So she pulls back and I become bitter, party of one.

I think due to her insistence that being fat was vile, I made myself into a supporting character in the story of my own fucking life, instead of the star!

I am still trying to reclaim that lost role. Its hard work, and the first step is in learning to truly love myself as I am. Down to every little blemish and fat roll. It won’t be easy, that is a stone fact. We are programmed every day in this country to hate ourselves, to strive for a physical perfection that such a small percentage can ever hope to attain. Yet so many of us push ourselves, literally killing ourselves, and for what? I really don’t know. It scares me how quickly we work to some sort of false perfection. But not me, not anymore. I am really gonna work on turning off her voice in the back of my head. Looking at myself and seeing the good and the kind and beautiful, and not just the fat. For so long all I have ever seen is the fat, and that has been so detrimental. I am just glad I am realizing these things now, instead of 10 years from now. The sooner I get started, I think the better I will be. I know that this is probably going to be a battle I face every day for the rest of my life. The Dragon always says he is working against 30 some odd years of programming, when he tells me I am beautiful and worthy. I must join him in that or it will never work and I will never truly change.

Which leads me to my next thought;
HMMMM Can I get a do over on my mom then? A mulligan of sorts?
OHHH is there some contract breaking reneg type thing? I mean they contracted out to be good kind loving parents and well they were absolute despots when it came to the fat.
I need a lawyer. I could sue someone
( isn’t that what people do, when they realize they have been wronged, find someone to sue about it? )

*I could revolutionize the legal industry, adult adoptees suing their adoptive parents for failing in their contractual obligations to be good parents.

* understand this is all tongue in cheek, I know that there are adoptive parents out there who ARE loving and kind and considerate and would beat the crap outta mine for being such a black mark. But sometimes I wish there was something I could do to make her understand, I am never going to be the thin pretty daughter she wants. I am just going to be the same person I have been for the last 38 years and not her or anyone else is gonna change that.

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